I want to fast today, to blank my stomach
As my mind drains all memory of food, dissipates
The nutrients into my flesh for one last push
Of the rock. If, perhaps, I allow the rock to crush
Me into the dirt will He make me get up and try
Once again. Even when I am weak, I push.
I push even when I am weak… I must push.
The smile that sleeps on the other side of the wall
Compels me. Like a God through thin walls,
He must hear me breathing, as I hear Him.
When will He tear this facade down and show
Himself? I beg and I beg, believing it this time.
If I am weak enough, will the dread be enough
To compel from Him, mercy. I long to just speak.
My voice a bare whisper, the words formed
From the shouts inside my head leaking out,
Might be loud enough to hear, I can hope, or
Might be like formless tendrils of vacating breath
That are shaped from pure thought, temperamental.
Here, where questions lie, answers are anomie
To the need that drives me up the hill again
And again. I want to fast today, to let inside
My soul the emptiness that surrounds
Flesh like water wanting to fill my lungs.
(C) 2020 Stephen Fuller